Grr

My mom called me today to see how I was doing, and though I'm sure she was concerned, it was just a ploy to tell me how to look for a job.
I just don't get it. If my son was homeless 50 miles away I sure as hell would at the very least offer him my couch. I'm just stymied about the fact that it has not happened in two months.
I love her, but she I'm only now realizing is fucked in the head.
Why am I homeless? A bad decision, or strew of them, and unwillingness to live a life I'm not meant for. And of course my new founded inability to stand on my feet for long hours at a time.
I started my walk because I was miserable with my life. I sure as fuck don't want to go back to that. I would rather go dumpster diving than have that life again.
That doesn't mean that I want to be homeless, it means I have to have a good start.
I told her I applied at a call center and delivery driver jobs. But that I would do the call center only if no other options came my way.
Her advice was that I have so much potential and should do more with my life. Great advice for any other time than now.
She also said I should just take what I can get. And though that's true enough, it's just not a valid option.  First, getting a job at 47 as an entry level position is difficult. No one hires grey haired folks to start a new career. Taking what I can get, depends on where I apply. I shouldn't have applied at  call center, and should never have told her. That's her idea of a decent job, not mine.  Its not a job I would keep, even if I had the clothes for it. It would only be to get back on my feet.
Pizza delivery is my only real option. That gets me around 15 bucks an hour including tips, when money is scarce.
Even part time is worth it.

Escape

Florida is great in the winter months. If has rarely been cold, and most days are sunny. Perfect weather for living close to the elements. But there's the spring and summer coming and living in a car means getting slowly toasted by the heat, of which I am not looking forward to.
Sarasota has alot if jobs, but that's because no one who makes minimum wage can afford to live here. Least of all, me. The rent is so incredibly high, even the roach motel apartments start at 750.
And honestly, if youre making close to min wage, you may as well live somewhere else where you don't have to worry about gas and the commute.
Panama city, is an option because it's a tourist town. Pay is better and everyone is hiring from March til August. Since I'm living in the car anyway, I'm thinking it an option.
The other option is of course Asheville. I did a route check and its 2 tanks of gas. Forty bucks. 
My goal is to find a good place to settle down and be a painter. Asheville does appeal to many senses, there's a calm serenity to the place that matches what I want in life. But, I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. There's a part of me that still craves the humidity, the hot squalor of living dangerously and to live and paint that. Therefore, Panama city.

Still homeless

Since my last post, a fair amount has happened. I initially got a job as a line cook, but could only handle it for a week. Seems that my walk across the country left me with back, leg and feet issues. It's extremely painful to stand on my feet for more than a few hours. I blame my crappy diet on the walk.
After 4 weeks my mom bought me a car, and that was great, but it has all kinds of issues. The transmission sticks going into second and the back breaks are bad. Mom said it was a sign from God that she should buy this car. I asked her to test drive it but she said she doesn't know anything about cars, so what's the point. It drives okay, but I know that in the next year, I will have to cough up a few grand just to get it right. Had she just given me the 2 grand, I could found something much better, and had money left over. But i guess it's a control thing. Beggars can't be choosers right.
I also got a job at 711 but that only lasted a week. Same problem, back and feet.
So now, almost 2 months in, I'm only better off because of the car. I can sleep where ever allows overnight parking, IE Walmart. I've outfitted the windows with removable foam board for a little privacy. My only issue with car camping is that I have to plan my bathroom breaks. I have a bottle, but I don't like having to use it.
I'm now applying for delivery driver jobs and call center ones. Sit down jobs mostly. I am well past the point where I need to have a place and a steady income.
I'm still very fuckin angry at my shit family. I understand my mom's motivation with getting me the car. She has also donated several hundred bucks to my wayward position. But she does so, because is so fuckin ocd, and offering her guest room means fucking with here well ordered life. Still pisses me off though. My siblings, well they know I'm at Rock bottom, but I guess are to busy to care. They are praying for me. I just doing so, replaces the need to actually help.
I think about suicide at least a few times a week. I feel as if I have no way out. No hope. But then I remind myself that I don't believe in suicide. I'm just at the lowest point I can remember. Eating tuna on the side of the road in Mississippi was better than this. Hah!
I'm giving it till Friday, whereupon if I don't get a decent job, I'm moving to Panama city. Lots of jobs there, and I won't have to be constantly reminded that my family are a perfect bunch of douchebags.

Illusions shattered

My mom and sister came down from Tampa yesterday and they took me out to dinner. I expected an offer of a place to stay, but when they dropped me off, mom gave me a blanket, 40 bucks and a McDonalds gift card. I'm still in shock. I had always been of the belief that if I ever hit rock bottom, that my family would be there for me. But they just drove off. I guess my idea of what family is and should be, is not a shared belief. Oh well, I guess. Now I know.

WTF

Family wtf. I've been homeless for 12 days now. My family, mother and sister live 50 miles away. They've texted me, but no offer to help in anyway whatsoever. Today my mom texts me and wants to go to dinner.
My buddy in Texas offered to float me some cash. My ex offered to pay first months rent somewhere, which I denied because I don't yet have a job. My family wants to go out to eat. Wtf.

So lonely

I am so lonely it plagues me day and night. Someone to hold, hold hands, whatever. Someone to share the burden of this world with, and the joys. Some days are better than others. Today sucks more than most.

Day 10

Went to the library today and started working on my website. Its like pulling teeth because I just am not feeling the urge. But anything to get out of this place I'm in is the goal. I figure there's nowhere to go but up. It's really nice out today and wish I could enjoy it more.
Food stamps just don't go that far when there is no where to store food. Everything I get is over priced for that individual packaging.
I wish that I could just catch a break, but I guess I'm a pessimist at heart.
The girl I met on the bus down here, and fell in love with, blew me off last week. I guess I should have expected it, but hope is a fine piece of shit.

Day 9

Being homeless sucks! But at least I had some practice on my walk from Tampa to Texas. There are differences of course. Everyday is more of the same and I find my spirits becoming more and more downtrodden. 

I'm homeless not because of drugs or alcohol or any other common vice, but because I made some bad decisions. 

My walk took me to Texas and after the puma incident, I just couldn't go on. So after 1200 miles and 2.5 million steps, I ended up in a slightly better place than in which I started. But not by any means the place I needed. 

I ended up working in a call center, and saving money. Problem was, and in a way still is; I have no tolerance for being somewhere that makes me miserable. So I bought a bus ticket to Asheville NC, and laid everything in God's hands, that hopeful serendipity. But after getting there, I realized that living in a tent at this time of year was a bad idea. And as serendipity didn't make an appearance I made plans without a relying on the gods and their fickle fancies. 

I knew that I needed someplace warm to start over, as I would likely be tenting it, so decided on Florida. Though I have family here, I didn't want to impose, I did that once last year and kinda shamed about it. After all, what did I do with all the help, but sell everything to walk across the country. No, its either sink or swim, and on my own.

So after getting off the bus I found a spot for the night. Then found a 24 hour gym and got a membership so I could shower regularly.  Now it's been 9 days and I'm only treading water. 

I've looked for work but only casually. But I expect in the next few days that will change. I'm running low on funds and though I was able to get food stamps, I know if I don't start working towards my future soon, I may get lost in the blandness and stop struggling to stay afloat at all.