Illusions shattered

My mom and sister came down from Tampa yesterday and they took me out to dinner. I expected an offer of a place to stay, but when they dropped me off, mom gave me a blanket, 40 bucks and a McDonalds gift card. I'm still in shock. I had always been of the belief that if I ever hit rock bottom, that my family would be there for me. But they just drove off. I guess my idea of what family is and should be, is not a shared belief. Oh well, I guess. Now I know.

WTF

Family wtf. I've been homeless for 12 days now. My family, mother and sister live 50 miles away. They've texted me, but no offer to help in anyway whatsoever. Today my mom texts me and wants to go to dinner.
My buddy in Texas offered to float me some cash. My ex offered to pay first months rent somewhere, which I denied because I don't yet have a job. My family wants to go out to eat. Wtf.

So lonely

I am so lonely it plagues me day and night. Someone to hold, hold hands, whatever. Someone to share the burden of this world with, and the joys. Some days are better than others. Today sucks more than most.

Day 10

Went to the library today and started working on my website. Its like pulling teeth because I just am not feeling the urge. But anything to get out of this place I'm in is the goal. I figure there's nowhere to go but up. It's really nice out today and wish I could enjoy it more.
Food stamps just don't go that far when there is no where to store food. Everything I get is over priced for that individual packaging.
I wish that I could just catch a break, but I guess I'm a pessimist at heart.
The girl I met on the bus down here, and fell in love with, blew me off last week. I guess I should have expected it, but hope is a fine piece of shit.

Day 9

Being homeless sucks! But at least I had some practice on my walk from Tampa to Texas. There are differences of course. Everyday is more of the same and I find my spirits becoming more and more downtrodden. 

I'm homeless not because of drugs or alcohol or any other common vice, but because I made some bad decisions. 

My walk took me to Texas and after the puma incident, I just couldn't go on. So after 1200 miles and 2.5 million steps, I ended up in a slightly better place than in which I started. But not by any means the place I needed. 

I ended up working in a call center, and saving money. Problem was, and in a way still is; I have no tolerance for being somewhere that makes me miserable. So I bought a bus ticket to Asheville NC, and laid everything in God's hands, that hopeful serendipity. But after getting there, I realized that living in a tent at this time of year was a bad idea. And as serendipity didn't make an appearance I made plans without a relying on the gods and their fickle fancies. 

I knew that I needed someplace warm to start over, as I would likely be tenting it, so decided on Florida. Though I have family here, I didn't want to impose, I did that once last year and kinda shamed about it. After all, what did I do with all the help, but sell everything to walk across the country. No, its either sink or swim, and on my own.

So after getting off the bus I found a spot for the night. Then found a 24 hour gym and got a membership so I could shower regularly.  Now it's been 9 days and I'm only treading water. 

I've looked for work but only casually. But I expect in the next few days that will change. I'm running low on funds and though I was able to get food stamps, I know if I don't start working towards my future soon, I may get lost in the blandness and stop struggling to stay afloat at all.